On Aging

Let’s pick up where I left off in my previous post, Dress for you, No.One.Else. As I mentioned there, after second guessing my bubble skirt outfit choice, a dear friend who had viewed the look in my stories, DM'd me on Instagram with the sweetest: “Tamu, I love this look for you.” Later, when I met up with this woman whose iconic style is among the most exciting on social media, we picked up from her DM and eased into a conversation about how we have started to assign consideration to outfit choices that we would never have second guessed just a few years prior. Throughout our conversation, the main sentiments echoed included prioritising joy when styling outfits; being motivated by positive self image when getting dressed; and pretty much ignoring convention as women of multicultural aesthetic input, and who possess a pure passion for fashion and style.

This heart to heart with my friend and another close pal present at the time, and who confided that this topic was also emerging often in her circle, was a defining signal that helped consolidate a series of moments that initiated my entry into the middle age.

Before I go on, I want to make it clear that I am slowly processing the changes that I am experiencing, whether physically, emotionally, intellectually or spiritually. To be honest, I am spending time identifying my feelings and working through them as they arise. Since aging is a gradual process, different emotions, issues and life events come into play at different times. Therefore, lately I am in observance mode. While my previous experiences have somewhat prepared me for this stage of my journey, there is a streaming playlist of new realities that I must confront.

So far, the area where I felt the most disappointment was regarding my professional life. There were certain milestones that I wished to achieve that I inextricably linked to my 30s and early 40’s. Not having achieved them within this limited timeline left me with an acute sense of loss. I missed out on the opportunity to see my goals come to fruition on the clock of current society’s productivity expectations. Expired time, combined with personal issues that flew out of the neat compartments that I had safeguarded over the years, rendered this stage of aging particularly uncomfortable and overwhelming. As the saying goes however, what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger; or at least gives you another layer of that armor-like, tough skin we all need to progress. My attitude towards time constraints have already changed, as I pierce the illusion that middle-aged people can’t flourish in certain career paths; and additionally, appreciate the fluidity of and potential in the evolution of goals. Shouldn’t growth be central to professional pursuits and life in general, and not the age at which we complete that growth? The process in which we acquire expertise and wisdom may be precisely what makes our worlds go round in quality and substance. Plus, I never came across a stew or a fine, aged wine my entire being didn’t enjoy. Now that I’ve laid my initial feelings out in these lines, I can finally leave you with my early thoughts on aging stylishly and beautifully.

Getting dressed and realising our favorite skincare or beauty beat is often inspired by our emotions. As our bodies transform and shed their youthful bounce, editing our personal style may come to truly feel like a complicated battle. Just the other night, while enjoying a round of Sicilian Tommy’s margaritas together, my hot girlfriend Crystal and I ticked off a list of clothing categories that are commonly packed far away in our closets as our bodies age. First the crop top becomes a foe because of our floaties, then miniskirts become daggers to our “sun’s out, legs out life” because of slackening thigh muscles. From thnere we just rolled through every betraying body part’s offence to our daily fit game: the rippling of the skin around the knees; flabby arms; and, dear god no, the saggy turkey neck. Displeasure, frustration, anxiety and resignation are some of the feelings I have experienced as I’ve personally noticed the onset of these changes. However, and thankfully because my work requires me to style looks everyday, I’ve been forced to confront what healthy body image will look for me going forward; and how dressing up can continue to bring me pleasure at this stage in my life.

Friends, we’ve been expanding our personal style over the span of our beautiful years. Let’s stick true to the flavor of that journey. Allow ourselves to wonder at the memories surrounding our best fashion moments, the trend hits and misses, the beloved pieces that we’ve collected along the way. Let’s be creative in our approach. Gravitate towards tried and true wardrobe staples and update them to satisfy the fit we seek today. Tweak styles and aesthetics to reflect our vision of what we look best in. In the early stages of our metamorphosis, let’s play, add humor, stir up attitude, and resist conventions that limit the range of style we wish to embrace. Approach dressing in a way that moves, inspires and most of all empowers the woman we are becoming, not the one current societal norms expects us to embody.

I come from a culture where women wear bold styles throughout their entire lives. Vibrant colors and prints, statement accessories and where they are comfortable showing skin. My mother who is nearing 70 has always had a fabulous flair for fashion and till this day looks gorgeous in a halter style top or mini-skirt. The care that she puts into styling her outfits for family outings is really inspiring and motivates me to look forward to aging in style and grace. Also, if you are like me and feel as young as even your friends born in 1996, why must we cloak our youthful spirits in clothes that add years to how we feel? Won’t we thrive and feel more energetic if we tap into our youthful hearts?

However, if conforming and fitting into a uniform that protects you in this new stage, then own the comfort you find in convention and totally ignore what I said above. Ask yourself, how can I feel most stylish? How do I adjust my personal style to complement my changing body shape and preferences while maintaining my self-confidence? Your joy and mental wellness is a priority!

Look, this is your life. Draft your own beauty standards. Beyond the Louis Vuitton trunks under my eyes, I can vividly remember when I recognized the first signs of aging to grace my face. I had been walking by the window of a boutique and time skipped a couple beats before I recognized my reflection. I was like, nah, who is that (lol). I have no idea why my discovery didn’t occur in my perfectly lit bathroom or on the set at a shoot, but this is how it happened. Maybe it was because I was already in the habit of removing my eyebags with Facetune and recently even underwent upper and lower blepharoplasty. Thus, my fixation laid squarely on my eyes and other features went unnoticed. Alternatively, it may be a result of viewing myself through the lens of my iPhone and rarely publishing a story without the Subtle + Paris filters.

It goes without saying that social media can be a curse or blessing when aging. How do we maintain personal appreciation for our appearance when a large part of what we see online is significantly retouched to satisfy societal dictates on beauty? The pressure to look perfect can really break our confidence and affect how we show up in the world. For those of you who are struggling with this moment, know that you are not alone. Just like my friend who reached out to me with her kind compliment, there are other individuals who are experiencing similar feelings and who would be relieved to express their thoughts to empathising ears. Additionally, this is where social media is a blessing as growing online communities and personalities have been actively challenging ageism, redefining modern culture beauty norms and providing healthy outlets for information and body image positivity.

That being said, each of our journeys will be different and layered with a wide array of circumstances that make this transformative time in our lives very personal. Sure, there are common physical changes, but every human has their own set of input that creates their story. Take your time, honor your emotions, every thought has its weight and deserves your attention and appropriate resolution. Please reflect on, and please, do go overboard on embracing all the characteristics you love about yourself. If you choose to age without intervention, enjoy this beautiful form of liberation. If you choose to hang on to youth through dermatological or surgical procedures, lap up the results from those fountains. These are the choices that we are free to make because they affect the way we feel about ourselves. At the end of the day, our joy, on our terms, is what matters the most as we age.

“You will never be at this age again. Do what makes you happy.” - Unknown

PS, I’ve yet to see the body horror film The Substance starring Demi Moore. I am sure that I will have more insights after as it explores our extreme pursuit of achieving the illusion of perfection and to remain forever young.

Total look by Gucci

Sade Video @kingblaq08

Images by Federico Avanzini